My Boss wants to Eat Me
Welcome to another one of Underdone’s “Under the Comic” panel discussions, hosted by the venerable Fourth Wall for All Magazine’s Malk Quartzshoe.
Hey everybody, Malk Quartzshoe here navigating the way through another Underdone Under the Comic panel discussion. With me as usual are everybody’s favorite accountant, who happens to be a pig, Paul Rappapork (P), the Canada goose with the personality bigger than a moose, Glen-Garry Glen Goose (GG)—and the guy who records their lives in comic strip form, the balding Rob Lang (RL).
GG: Personality bigger than a moose? I think we need a new host.
R: The Balding? Really, Malk?
P: What’s with all the snacks? We didn’t have catering last time.
Glad to see you all too, everybody. Let me start off by saying, wow, Paul. It must be tough to work under the pressure of having somebody want to eat you, hmm?
P: Uh, yeah, it gets old, but mostly Mr. Scully leaves me alone to do my work, unless he decides to show up to the office. Which isn’t too often, I mean, he’s a CEO and all.
M: Ever the optimist, eh, Paul? I guess you have to be, since you’re a pig trying to live like a human, in a human’s world. So would you say you enjoy working for him?
P: Again, I enjoy my work when he’s not present. When he’s around, I kind of feel like I’m in the middle of a luau.
M: Hmm. interesting! Well guess, what, Paul, today we have a surprise guest! Come on out Mr. Scully!
P: I knew those snacks were set out for a reason.
S: Hey everybody! Rappapork, duck, beardy, Malk. Oh look, you got my order.
M: Welcome to the panel, Mr. Scully, enjoy the snack spread. Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself.
S: There’s not much to tell, really. I was raised by chatty parents. I won several speaking endurance competitions in middle and high school. In college I once put the entire panel of debate judges to sleep. If you were to argue with me about anything at all, I may not necessarily be correct, but I will indeed be the last one talking. It really doesn’t matter to me whether or not you are listening to what I’m saying. It just feels good to me to talk. My voice is pure music to my ears. I truly love listening to old recordings of myself, to figure out which octaves have changed when. For instance, 15 years ago, if you were to listen to my voice, it would sound slightly higher than it does now. Sometimes I consider vocal reconstruction, to get me at my most booming. You see, to me–
M: Alright, Mr. Scully, perhaps after the panel discussion we can have extra time to discuss your vocal development through the years. I’ve noticed something, Paul, you’ve got your head in your hands. What’s bothering you?
P: Oh nothing, just enjoying my work life crashing into my off-time.
M: I see. Well speaking of off-time, Glen-Garry, you spend the most personal time with Paul. Does it seem like this office-space harassment is affecting his demeanor at home?
GG: To be honest, Malk, I haven’t really noticed. I’ve been so busy these days I guess I haven’t paid much attention.
M: Busy with what?
P: Yeah, seriously, with what? Making messes? Leaving your gizzard stones around the house?
GG: No! I have some things in development. I can’t discuss them right now.
P: Like what? Are you hosting more furniture rodeos or reading more L. Ron Hubbard?
GG: No, nothing like that. Wait, Malk, that last question, about Paul’s demeanor, are you talking about how he’s always complaining about Mr. Scoliosis always wanting to eat him? You know, I tuned that out a long time ago. I mean, he’s a pig, I’m not sure what he expects to get out of life. Humans aren’t the most graceful beings on the planet and he’s the one working for those sorry sacks.
S: What? Paul, you don’t like your job? I had no idea. If it’s so bad, why did you decide to work for me?
P: At first, I thought the company would be fun to work for. So when you offered me the job I took it. You’re the only place i had an interview.
M: Really?
R: Really?
S: Really?
M: Have you ever thought about getting another job?
R: You know, I am really kind of interested in hearing more about Mr. Scully’s company. Can you tell us exactly what you guys—
M: I’m sorry Rob, but we can talk about that in a bit, Paul, someone with your skills would surely be welcome to work at a company like—
R: Gag Glasses, Inc. seems to be a really fun company. I hear you guys are developing different kinds of glasses all the time. My favorite, of course, are the kind that make you actually gag when you put them on because they smell so bad. Is that the most popular?
M: Rob, can we please let Paul answer the question? Why haven’t you tried to work somewhere else?
R: Well I’d really like to change the subject.
P: It’s okay, I can answer the question, Rob. Malk, to answer your question, I’m really stuck because of the law that says I have to work at a company for seven years before I can get another job.
M: What?
GG: What?
S: What?
R: Ehem. What do you guys think about that lion that was lured onto a hunting park by a dentist? What was his name, Roary? Or is it Pedro the Lion? I just think there are other topics out there that could be raised in this venue.
M: Who told you that you needed to work somewhere for seven years before you quit?
P: Rob did. Remember, man?
R: Shoot. Well, I didn’t think he’d believe me. Was it Minus the Bear? I always get them confused with Pedro the Lion.
GG: Rob I always thought you were the lead singer of Minus the Bear.
R: That guy has too much hair. But there is a slight resemblance.
Well either way, Rob, I can’t say I blame you for trying to make Paul work there as long as possible. A boss wanting to eat certainly has made for some interesting, almost comical situations, hmm? It may even be symbolic for the plight of many humans.
S: Plus all those pig jokes that Rob made up would be wasted.
P: GASP! Rob, you made those up? We’re supposed to be confiding in you!
R: I am not sure what to say here.
GG: Paul, it literally looks like smoke is coming out of your ears.
S: Oh that’s funny. If only it were true, the aroma would be phenomenal.
R: See, Scully, you can pull out a zinger every once in a while. Oh, gosh, I’m sorry, Paul.
M: Paul, where are you going?
R: Again, sorry paul.
GG: Kudos to you Rob Lang! I thought it was Mr. Scully who was the funny one. But we can clearly see here that it was you behind the pig jokes.
R: Well, thanks, I guess.
S: I had to do the joke deliveries. You see, statisticians say timing is more than 95% of all comedy. If it weren’t for timing…
M: As we turn off Mr. Scully’s microphone, I will sign off for the panel today. I think that’s enough content for one page of this website. Until next time Underdone fans. Keep it up!
—Malk
—Malk
